Friend: What a cute baby! Boy or girl?
Me: Guess
Friend: What’s its name?
Me: Spork
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Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Good morning!
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.