Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
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ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie
THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?
ME: Oh yeah
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Anytime I’m watching something on tv my wife starts talking to me as if her words are going to expire if she doesn’t use them.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory