Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
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Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
My 8yo daughter met a girl at summer camp last year named “Internet.” I said no way, that can’t be her name but my daughter has been adamant. For almost a year we’ve been having this discussion.
ANTOINETTE. I just found out her name is Antoinette.
💯😂
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Go girl power!
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang