Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
You Might Also Like
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My dad is at it again
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.