Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
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If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
“First you bug me to go out, and now you want to come right back in? You’ve been out there for like thirty seconds. Did you at least pee? Tell me you at least peed.”
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me: