FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
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My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
WTF IS THAT!
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”