Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
You Might Also Like
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.