Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
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What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.