FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
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Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
BOSS: you’re an hour late
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME: oh you haven’t heard?
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
Living the best life.. 😊
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?