Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
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NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend