Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
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Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Never be a pizza!
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
The most unrealistic thing about sitcoms is couples comfortably sharing a full size mattress
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral