Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
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I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.