friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
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me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”