friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

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I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.


If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.


“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once


I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.


if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married


I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”


The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.