friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
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Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I am all good here, 😂😉
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake