friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
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[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?