friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
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Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
So basically life is cancelled
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?