friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
You Might Also Like
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
“I can be nice or I can be honest.”
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
i wonder why they stopped looking
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.