Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]

Me: This is absolutely magnificent.

[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]

Me: This is pretty alright I guess.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.

If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.

Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.

If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.

normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”

big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”

exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”

galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis

My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

[1st day as criminal sketch artist]

Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….

Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.

#HatDadJoke

Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage

Bar tender: On the rocks?

Me: What? No. Full of coke

THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.

“Wrong house guys.”

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

“Yup, happens a lot.”

OKAY COOL, SORRY.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

5-year-old: Why are we here?

Me: Philosophers still don’t know

5: No, why are we HERE

Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions

Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

I think my favorite sammich is ice cream

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon

[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight

[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts

*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring

I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming

Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.

I rescued a puppy left on the side of the road for my daughter because she said she would take care of her. We are now four days in and she’s loudly told me that she never wants children