FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
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My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
Receiving multiple letters of complaint from the deer in my area. Apparently the deer whistles I put on my car were the sexist kind. I had no idea.
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
this has done me in for some reason
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.