Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 馃槓
Me: 馃樁
Friend: 馃槙
Me: 馃槓
Me: 馃憖馃挱
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
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Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
u蕧op 菨p谋sdn p菨u晒n蕠-p菨dd谋谉蔁 蕠ob 菨蔁谋谉 蕩莎
蕧o丧 蕠noq蓯 谉谉蓯 蕩晒o蕠s 蓯 s谋 s谋丧蕠 ‘蕧ou
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
In my 20鈥檚: I want to find true love.
In my 40鈥檚: I just want a toaster that gets me.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
happy friday
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I鈥檓 not like other girls, I know when I鈥檓 being irrational. I don鈥檛 let it stop me, but still
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first