FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Monopoly made me believe there would more bank errors in my favour as an adult.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
buys donuts instead
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs