Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
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Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
Ah yes. The three genders
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.