Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
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I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
The Kardashians is what happens when you feed a gremlin after midnight.