friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
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bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I’m an avid indoorsman.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
A couch nap with a little kid on your stomach is the best sleep you can ever have. It’s like a weighted blanket whose college you gotta pay for.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”