FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
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Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
I’m the guy who paints the murals of Venice and other Italian cities on the wall of every pizzeria in the tristate area and I know grapes aren’t that big man I just love grapes ok
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
being a work from home parent is hard dude. i’ve been telling my son he has to work hard to be a success in life and now he sees me watch videos of people running from the cops on my phone while i wiggle my mouse every 3 minutes.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
When he asks for feet pics