[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
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*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!