FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
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Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Cheers Twitter.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.