Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
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CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.