Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
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why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Got him!
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
my first dose meeting my second
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.