@SharkJelly

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

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@dave_cactus

DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.

@sarcasticmommy4

M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!

@theregoesrichie

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

@david8hughes

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

@adrienneMTK

“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases

@AllanForsyth

I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.

@bdjansenphd

oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed