Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
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Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?