FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
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me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
*Seductively hides in the woods
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
My wife working in our garden: How does it look?
Me: Well that’s the last place I ever expected to see throw pillows.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.