@ChicksRule [milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
@TheAndrewNadeau FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
You Might Also Like
@ChicksRule 
@Storminika *Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
@Mardigroan Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
@POOPSCRUFFIN4U I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
@jimmytorosian Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
@MelvinofYork It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
@psybermonkey [Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
@rajat_suresh security at the airport getting more straightforward
@iAmDelFreaky I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
@TheRolo FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”