Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
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My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
If a snake ate a cake
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.