@ArfMeasures

FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

You Might Also Like

@meantomyself

I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone

@PaperWash

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school

@richardosman

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

@chiekshere

[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]

@SuperRandomish

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

@ElizaBayne

I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.

@themacmind

Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.