FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
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A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.
When you don’t understand how floors work
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My mom has been gone for three weeks and left my dad with the credit card. His surprise to her when she came home was a glow in the dark toilet seat and when he showed her all he said was “BEHOLD”
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl