I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
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*adds resume embellisher to resume*
idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids