FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner

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I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone


idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school


Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.


[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]


When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”


I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.

I don’t have kids.


Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.