Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
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“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
I can usually tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Straight people are cancelled
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you