Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
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what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
I’ll be mad as hell!
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing