friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
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*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
My kids are mad at me because I never unwrap the cheese slices in their sandwiches
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*