Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
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do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no