FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
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People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*
[Interview room]
Me: I’m not saying a word without my lawyer presentCop: You ARE the lawyer
Me: So where’s my present?!
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
😬
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single