*friend you haven’t spoken to in years posts photos of their marriage*
wow thanks for the invite beth did our 6 weeks of drivers ed together mean nothing to u
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Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?