Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
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Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
me: wow the stars are beautiful
gf: omg babe they really are
me: u know who else is beautiful?
gf: *blushes* who? :3
me: Harambe
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?