Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
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Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
Pro-tip: if any family members ask how you’ve been spending the last two years and if you’ve learned a new hobby, maybe gloss over that story about finding out how many plums you could fit inside of yourself before doctors had to get involved.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Cake safety first. Always.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
m’lady
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it