Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos