Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
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Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”