Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
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Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
Risking my life for fun.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.