FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
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(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot