friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
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Banderslack Clamberdorch
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.