friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
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Software Development ⛵️
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider