Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
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Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[tattoo parlour]
ME: I’d like a tattoo as a tribute to my dad. He loved gardening & now he’s dead, so maybe like a skeleton mowing the lawn?
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
ok like just. call me at this point
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.