Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
You Might Also Like
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
A short story about romance.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often