Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
that’s really how it is
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?