Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
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8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas