Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
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wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
seems like a niche market
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
dam girl
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
The thing that makes me suspicious of hair ties is you have either 25 of them, which show up on every surface of the house and the bottom of your bag, or zero. There is no in between.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean