@KamanCider

Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

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@skullpuppy11

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.

@ripstiklesbian

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

@McInappropriate

NEW DRINKING GAME:

1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.

@thedailymarker

Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.

@inojperez

[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?

@torrami

Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.

@Storminika

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

@Brianhopecomedy

My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.

@noog

Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”