Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Don’t tell me what to do
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Thinking about Jeff
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
2: strawberries
3: chocolate
4: donuts
5: protein shakes
6: microwave meal
7: Rat poison
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
im all 3
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I love wikipedia
