Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Oh. My. God.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
We’ve all been there…
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.