Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.
Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles