Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
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Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter