Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

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The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.


*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*



1) Put on the new Twilight movie

2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.


Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.


[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?


Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.


Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.


My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.


Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”