Friends are like snowflakes.

If you pee on them they disappear.

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[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car


Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.


[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*


How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good


The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.


The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.


Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?


Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.


If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.